Gratitude Friday 12 20 24 The Musical Chairs of Time
“And by and by Christopher Robin came to the end of things, and he was silent, and he sat there, looking out over the world, just wishing it wouldn't stop.” - A.A. Milne
If there are regular readers of this post, it has themes. As an aside, I am okay if there are NO regular readers. I write this for me as much as anything else. Writing is a way to focus thought and learn for me. The theme of this one is family, the loss of family and the inevitable march of time. For me, over the course of my life, these are themes that come up, particularly on this day of the year. Also as an aside, the above line from Winnie the Pooh was certainly read to me by my mother or father before I could read in the years before I could count my age on one hand. It seemed fitting here.
One event on our calendar today is the winter solstice. We are at the darkest time of the calendar year, technically at 4:19 AM tomorrow morning. The winter solstice is also when my mom died 30 years ago at the age of 56. At the time I recall thinking that she died far too young, I was 29. The truth of how short a time 56 years is seems clearer to me now 30 years later. I also lost my dad last year, so the march of time and the loss of an immediate familial generation is louder now as my chair shifts in the arc of a human life. In some ways, it does not seem that long ago when I was at the kids’ side of the table, but now I find myself at the “remember when” end of the bench. The picture here is of my dad, my mom’s father, my brother Doug and I, taken in August of 1971 at the YMCA Family Center in Point Phillp PA, I am the only one remaining, the most vertically challenged one on the left. The picture had to be taken by my mom. An age ago or yesterday in the same breath.
I do not find myself at least at this moment with even a shred of regret for passed times. I am ok with where I find myself and how things unfolded. The loss of family and friends comes with time, and if you live long enough all whom you had known are gone before you. While there is some grief and some nostalgia, it is also true that we cannot change the fundamental process of life, that we age. We have an expiration date. In many ways we have no control over a lot of what happens to us and those around us other than how we respond to what occurs. It is the essential fact of life.
Today, as it is a day of remembrance for me and the loss of my mom 3 decades ago and thoughts of the more recent loss of my father two years ago, one of the reflections is on what they would think of me and my life. The fundamental role of a parent is to raise their kids, which they hope will outlive them. No parents are perfect. I would not portray our family as the ideal model of family dynamics. Few families get anywhere close to that. I would say that they cared about their role, and they did their very best to fulfill their responsibilities. In retrospect that is a lot better than many families I have seen in the course of my life. Over time, I am less inclined to second guess their decisions from the sidelines.
They gave us a roof over our heads, food on the table and more stability than a lot of other kids had. Ours was not the Cleaver family yet there was love. They sacrificed a lot for us. They also had a sense of right and wrong, hard work and belief in us, as well as providing enough latitude to allow me to be my own person. I do not recall a lot of micro level prescriptive focus on what education I should pursue and how I should see the world. In this way, I was provided with the room to become my own person. A free-range kid. This I am grateful for in ways that I did not even see at the time.
If I have any regret in respect to my parents, it is that my mom did not live long enough to see what I did with my life. I do think she would have appreciated what I have become. As my dad was around for many more years, we had lots of conversations over the years. We were very different people but I know he was proud of me. It is funny how important such things seem to be over the course of a life. I suspect most of us, even in older years desire such affirmation in ways that do not differ much from the day we bring home our first-grade school report card.
As I sit here and consider that 100 years from now, we will all be just pictures, my sense is that any real legacy we have in this world is how we influence those who come after us in how they see the world and invest in the things that have mutual value. Afterall, when we are all gone, and even the memory of us has faded, what is left is the influence and support we invested in things we know we will never see with our own eyes. While I do not have kids, focusing on these themes has been a major emphasis of time and energy for me. I have played a bit part in paying it forward for a number of people and their futures and it means a lot to me to be able to do so.
These kinds of themes may seem decidedly old-fashioned in a world that shifts minute to minute. A world in which what is real and true seems harder to discern at every turn. Yet, I cannot think of anything that could possibly be more important than how we invest love and support in those around us in consideration of the future world, even beyond that which we will see with our own eyes. What do you think? What did those already gone provide you with in the hopes you would also pay it forward? How do we all do so?
I for one am grateful to be here now and to see these as the important questions to answer in my own life. When I take a step back and consider why these are important themes for me, I have to honor the role my parents had in allowing me to be me. I am grateful for that.
What are you grateful for today?
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