Gratitude Friday 10 18 24 - From Darkness, Light Emerged

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” — Rumi

Thirty-Eight years ago, I was beaten down and without hope. I had no predictability of what would happen to me on a day-to-day basis. My problem was alcohol and other drugs. There are different severities of what are called substance use conditions, I had (and still have) the most severe form, commonly known as addiction. Using started out great, drugs made everything better. What appeared to my young mind as all upside and no downs side. This of course changed over time to the point where it was all bad, all the time, just like Nuggets. I would start using, and with increasing frequency end up in strange places and having done things that were not in my character. Less than fun, in fact quite terrifying.

I won’t get into the causation of addiction beyond this strong assertion, if anyone lays claim to one single cause, I assert they are wrong. There are at times genetic factors, age of first use is a risk, trauma is a factor, but not always present. People can get addicted simply by using because they are bored. Full disclosure here. I did not start using because I had some underlying trauma or undiagnosed mental health condition. It was fun, I was a young kid, and I have some genetic risks. I will also add that I experienced a fair amount of trauma later as addiction blossomed, also not uncommon.

I understand that this can be hard for people who have not experienced addiction to understand how this can happen and why people who are experiencing addiction just don’t just stop. I am oversimplifying as this is a personal gratitude post and not an in-depth scholarly review of addiction, but it impacts how the brain operates. It influences executive function, right up front behind the forehead, the part that people actually put their hand on when they are concentrating or making a hard choice. Addiction quiets this region of the brain down. It also impacts the lower regions of the brain in the limbic system, the area responsible for more basic drives like fight, flight food and other Fs. It makes this really loud. So, the reasoning centers are whispering and the basic drives region is screaming at you. This is what I experienced and having spent a lot of time talking to people who have experienced addiction, it seems a quite common occurance.

Fortunately, the brain is such an adaptable organ. It just keeps learning. It also can heal. Over time in recovery, that screaming in my mid-brain quieted down and the reasoning centers became much more audible. As an aside, I actually do hear my thoughts in a monologue, I have learned through researching an earlier gratitude post that this is not a universal experience. In recovery I developed recovery-oriented skills, built new social networks and had my feelings return, which had been relatively numbed out for years, but that I was also not aware of until healing was well underway.

Once in recovery, I spent a whole lot of time reflecting about what I had been through. I knew to the depths of my being that if I got back on the addiction road, my life would be brief and miserable. In short, I recognized I had a terminal condition but one I was incredibly fortunate to have some measure of influence over, as long as I stayed in recovery and did not use alcohol or other drugs. Realizing that I was on a path to death and that life involved some reorganizing was something that I went through at the dawn of adulthood. I am a better version of myself as a result. I found hope and purpose in my life. I was able to get help. I even did volunteer work in France and celebrated 9 months in recovery in Paris, pictured here. I realized I could have a good life and started down that path. The trajectory dramatically shifted.

There are some researchers that have examined the type of post traumatic growth that people go through in recovery and came up with the term “better than well.” This term resonates with me. I have no idea what my life would have looked like had I not become addicted. I don’t think I would have the kinds of things I have in my life that have come from recovery. I am one of those grateful ones that probably some people find at least mildly annoying. Sorry about that.

So, I have 38 years in recovery this week. I have been in recovery for nearly two thirds of my life. There is not a single day in those years that I have not done at least one thing to stay in recovery. When I meet other people in recovery, the experience is one of close affinity. It does not matter what their politics are, it does not matter what their religious beliefs are, what they do for a living, their race or what economic class they belong to. We have something profound in common. We have a bond of belonging between us. This is my tribe. That bond with other recovering people can be lifesaving. It has been for me. When you have a bond based on such powerful dynamics, it is a very special thing.

I am grateful for recovery, from which so much positive has come out of. Thirty-eight years ago, I was nearly done. I thought my life was over. Instead, it was the beginning of everything for me. There would be no gratitude in my life without recovery, and paradoxically, without gratitude I do not think I could maintain recovery.

I am grateful to be in recovery today.

What are you grateful for today?